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    • Posts : 5728
    • Mind Flayer

    Reposted from ENworld via Drhoz’ livejournal:


    Here it is, back by popular demand, newly edited:

    The Carrying Capacity of an Elven Backside: A Moral Tale

    The beginning.

    Freshman year at college, just introduced to 2nd ed D&D. Just running my first game.

    (That Morning, in the cafeteria)

    The group & I are getting our breakfast & having the normal 18 year old male conversations and discussing the night’s game. Two very important things happened here:

    1: One player, I’ll call him CM. Mentions he came up with brainstorm to empty various household containers & re-fill them with various alcoholic products.

    2: Over the radio, in one of those ‘weird news’ segments, they mention a man was arrested for attempting to smuggle a bowie knife into a building. His chosen hiding place: his rectum. A BOWIE knife in his rectum. I guess that awkward limp gave him away to the authorities, or maybe he set off the metal detector. Most of us were in disbelief about the ability to hide a bowie knife in such a manner, but not CM. Nope, as we are declaring this a joke, CM informs us as to how something the size of a bowie knife could easily fit into the aforementioned orifice. As he wasn’t a pre-med major (thank thy merciful gods above), we asked how he could know the ‘carrying capacity’ of the human backside. He began to go into great detail (did I mention we were trying to eat breakfast?) of a certain segment of his porn collection that dealt exclusively with young woman aptly demonstrating just how much can go where. So much for breakfast. Then, we broke up to go to class and meet up that evening in the lounge for our nightly role-playing session (nightly, the good ole’days).

    (That Evening)

    Everybody was there (almost). We had a Dwarven Cleric, the Halfling Fighter/Rogue, the ½ elf bard, human ranger & the Human Paladin. Just missing the elven wizard (played by CM). 15 minutes later, CM shows up. Said he was sorry, he got lost (despite just living 2 floors up). He then takes a swig form a Clorox Bleach Bottle & asks if we’re ready to “Kick some A**”. Then stumbles his way into a seat.

    The session begins well, the PC’s get a quest to go scout the local area for Frost Giants. (Not engage them, they were less than 10th level, just spy on them). That lasts until the paladin charges a lone group of 2 Frost Giants, who proceed to blow their hunting horn & the other 100 over the hill come running. Then the ‘strategic retreat’ (masquerading as fleeing in terror) began. Now, being slower than Frost Giants, the party looks for a place they can hide that the Giants can’t get into. Eventually they find a cave mentioned in the module. A small cave with no exit but the one they came in.

    Now, surrender negotiations begin:

    “Come out & we’ll not kill you”

    “How about we pay you 100 gold to let us go?”

    “Come out & we’ll not kill you”

    “How about we let you eat the Halfling?”

    “Now wait just a minute!”

    “Come out & we’ll not kill you”

    “Ummm, we’re really the only sons to a rich duke, he’ll pay to ransom us!”

    “Come out & we’ll not kill you”

    Now comes the act of surrender. Party really bummed about being enslaved. Even more bummed about losing all their neat stuff (like many novice DM’s I gave out waaaaayyyyy too much treasure).

    Party thinks about burying their stuff here & coming back for it, but realizes Frost Giants will realize the well-armed party that went into the cave & came out almost naked probably left it in the cave.

    Now, while the party is trying desperately to figure out a way to keep all their stuff…..

    CM, who has been taking a draught off his Bleach Bottle from time to time, has his epiphany. As everyone else is arguing, CM leans back in his chair, takes a big swig from his Clorox Bottle stares up at the heavens and casts Commune with Captain Morgan (or maybe Clorox Bleach, never really sure with that guy). And lo, is his question answered. Suddenly, he jumps up, pounds the table and says:

    “I know, I’ve got a big Bag of Holding! We can put all our stuff in there! Then we can hide it up my A**!!!”

    “Stunned Silence”

    “More Stunned Silence”

    “What you talkin’ bout CM?”

    “We can take everything & fit it in my a**, and then hide it. We’ll have all our stuff right here!” The accompanying finger pointing was unnecessary.

    Dwarf: “But, laddie, the bags is harsh burlap, not a pleasin’ material. I think it’ll not go whar you wan’ it to go.”

    CM: “Bah, we got cooking oil right? We can just coat the bag in cooking oil & it’ll slide right up, just like in (porn title forgotten)”.

    Halfling: “But it’s big! No way will that fit where you want it to fit!”

    CM (interpreted into in-character speech): “What about that town crier report this morning! Somebody was caught sneaking into the palace with a short sword up his a**. And what about all my Major Illusion gems? I KNOW what will fit up an a**, I’ve invested thousands of gold pieces into what various young, nubile females of various races can fit into all their primary (and some secondary) orifices!”

    Paladin: “I think I might have to atone now.”

    (Now, while I hate to break up the narrative here. It is very important to explain what is about to happen. You see CM has been drinking either: A: Captain Morgan, B: Clorox Bleach, or C: a Morgan & Bleach Cocktail, thus the Alcohol Gnomes have begun to take the words he THNIKS he is saying & translating them into whatever is the most embarrassing in the morning. Thus his brain is about to say ‘in the Bag of Holding’ a lot in just a bit. The Gnomes feel that ‘A**’ is much simpler and easier to say than ‘Bag of Holding’. Thus from now on, when he thinks he is saying ‘Bag of Holding’, what will come out of his mouth is ‘A**’.)

    Bard: “But I’ve got a suit of Elven Chain, that won’t fit into the opening of the Bag of Holding.”

    CM: “Sure it will. We can just roll it up & shove it right in my a**!”

    Bard: “You mean your Bag, not your A**, right?”

    CM: “Yea, that’s what I said. Just roll it up tight & it’ll fit in my a** no problem.”

    (Now, realizing that’s he has entered the quasi-drunk stage & is not fully cognizant of what he is saying & being the nice, LG people we are…. We take full advantage for our own, personal amusement. If we only we had had a tape recorder.)

    Paladin: “I’ve got +4 Full Plate (remember what I said about overdoing the magic?), how’s that supposed to fit in that little hole?”

    CM: “Easy, just take it apart & shove it in my a** piece by piece. It’ll all go. The breatplate’ll be a tight squeeze, but I can force it.”

    Paladin (trying not to laugh): “But what if parts of it gets stuck, what then?”

    CM: “Just shove extra hard, it’s not like my a** will break or anything, it’s a magic a** after all. If something gets stuck just reach in & yank it back out & try it again from a different angle.”

    Paladin: “Now I need to atone.”

    Bard: “What of my lyre of building & horn of the valkeries? Are those going to fit?”

    CM: “Sure it’ll fit. The only problem would be if something were to blow the horn & it’s not like anything in my a**’ll blow it”.

    Halfling (chocking on something): “God, I hope not. I thought flying monkeys were bad. Large, winged women in full plate would be infinitely worse.”

    Bard (either a great actor or just slow, I’d vote for slow): “We got a lot of stuff, though. How much will actually fit in a Bag of Holding?”

    CM: “Wait, I’ll check (flipping through DMG). Here it is. Ummm, (alcohol gnomes & numbers don’t mix well) 300 cubic feet. That’s a lot. See the DMG says my a** can fit 300 cubic feet of material as long as it will pass through the opening. Heck, we could shove the Halfling up my a** and he could sneak out later.”

    Paladin: “Hey, an inside job? What about it Gerbil-boy (this was when certain rumors surrounding Richard Gere were going around)? Care to climb in and wait it out?”

    Halfing: “I ain’t going near that bag or ANYWHERE near that elf’s backside! Got it!? Any further attempts to approach me results in death.”

    Ranger: “What about my Flametongue? Can you fit a flaming tongue in? Won’t the flames hurt?”

    CM: “Of course I can fit a flaming tongue in my a**. The fire’s not a problem, it’s not like there’s anything to burn in there! What’s so funny?”

    (Did I mention Alcohol imposes a -20 penalty to your Sense Motive Rolls)

    Us: “Nothing. Nothing.”

    CM: “Anybody else hungry for pizza. How about sausage?” (He’d eat anything as long as it was on a pizza crust, thus he had a large list of toppings in addition to sausage, but the only one to still rings out clearly is his yearning for sausage).

    Us: “No, we’re good. Not really hungry right now.”

    CM: “So is it settled? We shove everything up my a** & take it back out when nobody’s looking.”

    Dwarf (stayed in character, mostly): “Aye donna know. I have a mystical hammer of thunderbolts. It’s head is broad an pointy, I doona think it’ll fit up thy scawney elven backside. To say nothing of my horned helm of telepathy & spear of returning (he had no spear). Do ya mean ye could fit me whole spear in your elven derriere? And my horned helm? Do ye really want somethin’ that horny?”

    CM (still clueless): Of course I can fit a spear in my a**! And it doesn’t matter how horny it is, if it’s less than 300 cubic feet, I’ll stick it in my a** and be happy about it!”

    Ranger: “What about our Daern’s Instant Fortress (again they didn’t have one)? Can you fit a 30’ column of rigid stone in there?”

    CM: “For the last time. YES! Everything we have will fit up my a**. 30’ stone tower, sure, as long as it collapses, it’ll fit easily up my a**. So are we gonna do this or not? Start putting things in my a** if you please.”

    (At this point more than one person had wondered by to see what the yelling was about, and just as quickly left to do something else. Anything else.)

    Paladin: “Fine you want it. Here’s my armor, here’s my…… (long list of items). Finally here’s my Intelligent +5 Holy Avenger Greatsword. Shove it in so we can get it over with.”

    Halfling: “Still don’t see how a greatsword will fit, plus don’t you have to LG to wield a holy avenger?”

    CM: “I’m not WIELDING it, I’m just storing it in my a**. I’m not even going to touch it. If his sword is in my a**, I’ll be fine.”

    Me (as sword): “Umm. Do I have a vote here. It is undignified to be carried about in such a manner, the only true way warriors should battle is face to face. We should charge out now to greater glory! Death before surrender! We shall die upon a heap of our…. What the?

    Halfling (taking damage from grabbing and tossing sword into bag): “If anything deserves to see the inner working of that elf, it’s that idiotic sword.”

    (Much striping down to only non-magical clothing later….)

    CM: “Is that it? Is everything magic in my a** now? What about you Halfling, you still got a magic silk suit of thievery on you don’t you?”

    Halfling: “Umm, remember when I was a few copper pieces shy of being able to buy those Bracers of Armor? Well, I sold my clothes to get enough to buy it. I ain’t wearing nothing underneath this silk suit.”

    CM: “You sure you just don’t want to crawl in my a** and sneak out later. That way you could keep all your gear?”

    Halfling: “Dear god no.”

    CM: “That’s it. Time to shove it. Where’s the cooking oil? Is that a Dex check? Con check? What about a save, like maybe vs Death Magic? Do I need any help putting it in?”

    Everybody: “Do it yourself. I ain’t helping. I’m not even looking, tell me when he’s done.”

    Me: “OK. I’ll just say…. I’ll just say you get the task done. You feel a little off, but you have ‘hidden’ the bag of holding.”

    CM: “OK, let’s leave. Tell the Giants we are coming out & we are unarmed.”

    (Unbeknownst to the Frost Giant leader had a quasit familiar that was eavesdropping the entire time. He was invisible, hovering at the top of the cave. I now know about a paladin’s & Holy Swords’ Detect Evil powers, but not so much at the time).

    The party then leaves, just wearing their normal clothes (but for the Halfling in his magic silk suit). Frost giants take them aside, search them & put shackles on them. CM has big, stupid, ‘I fooled DM’ smile on his face.

    Quasit appears from behind them, pointing: “Be sure to search the elf good, he shoved all their magic things up his a**. I saw him!”

    Conference meeting between Frost Giant leader & Quasit, something to do with the carrying capacity of an elven backside. Eventually, the Frost Giant agrees;

    Frost Giant: “Sven, Bjorn (all frost giants are given Icelandic/Norwegian names), give that one a COMPLETE search. And I MEAN COMPLETE!”

    Thus 2 frost giants lead poor CM off over the hill, strip him naked & proceed to examine his elven prostate.

    Sven: “By the sweet lords of ice, he does have a bunch of magic sh** (I tried not to say it. I really did) shoved up his a**.”

    Thus began the party’s trip, nearly naked (except for the elf, who was never given his clothes back, thus completely naked), through the artic tundra and waist deep snows (frostbite can be a bi***), to eventually be slaves to the frost giant & work deep in their mines.

    The elf never did walk quite right again, also ruled he had some intestinal issues from then on.

    CM never did realize why we were laughing so much. He thought being taken prisoner sucked. I’ve left out the really nasty comments that were made as well. But, the next day, he did come to breakfast with a pounding headache. Couldn’t remember anything about the game the previous night. Once we started filling him in, his memory slowly began to return. It didn’t believe us of course, but the halfling’s player asked him to go home & read the back of his character sheet. (Turns out he’d written “A** Capacity: 300 cubic ft. on his character sheet). As horror dawned in his eyes, somebody decided to pull the coup de grace:

    Somebody (still can’t remember who): “Man and those girls, you know the ones form the first floor, the cute ones? The look on their faces watching you rant & rave about what all you could stick up you’re a**. I’m surprised they didn’t call the campus cops.” (Never happened, but CM didn’t know that).

    From that game session I learned several things:

    1. Drinking diminishes your ability to roleplay.

    2. Gamers are cruel, evil people, who will take advantage of your stupidity for their own amusement.

    3. Once your character gets the Nickname ‘Gerbil Boy’, that character must be retired.

    So the moral here is:

    If you drink & game, your character will end up receiving a body cavity search by Frost Giants.

    • Posts : 193
    • Orc

    See, those are the kind of cautionary tales parents should tell their children.


    • Posts : 1433
    • Owlbear

    I never get intoxicated as a player simply so I can avoid these kind of scenarios.


    Drunken GMing, now that’s harmless fun!

    • Posts : 5728
    • Mind Flayer

    I never get intoxicated as a player simply so I can avoid these kind of scenarios.


    Drunken GMing, now that’s harmless fun!


    You should try playing with a GM who’s stoned using medicinal herbs, it’s tops. 🙂

    My sapient animated teddy bear character once got a magical Nipple Piercing Ring of Regeneration in one of those games, after the party managed to escape from Dracula’s castle. So good.

    (It was a homebrewed campaign, in case you were wondering.)

    • Posts : 1433
    • Owlbear

    You should try playing with a GM who’s stoned using medicinal herbs, it’s tops. 🙂

    My sapient animated teddy bear character once got a magical Nipple Piercing Ring of Regeneration in one of those games, after the party managed to escape from Dracula’s castle. So good.

    (It was a homebrewed campaign, in case you were wondering.)

    My friends and I only use legal poisons that impair our judgement and destroy our internal organs. Well, most of them. The ones I play games with, anyways.


    That does sound like one heck of a campaign though!

    • Posts : 108
    • Orc

    I read that as:



    My friends and I only use legal positions that impair our judgement and destroy our internal organs. Well, most of them. The ones I play games with, anyways.


    It was much more amusing my way, I think.

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