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File Name: Warhammer: The Thousand Thrones Session 01
File Submitter: Hal
File Submitted: 02 Jan 2012
File Category: Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay
Genre: Fantasy
Profanity Level: Jolly Sweary Indeed
The Dirty Half-Dozen are recruited from a life of breaking rocks to investigate a miracle
https://www.rpgmp3.com/files/game_recordings/RPGMP3/warhammer/warhammer_ttt_part_01.mp3
Featuring:
Chris as Durak Ironhead – Dwarf Tomb Robber
David as Leopold Aeon Calcos – Human Charcoal Burner
Goggles AKA John as Oskar Hearthember – Halfling Hunter
James as Conrad Steignwult – Human Toll Keeper
Lindsay as Girl – Halfling Servant
Ned as Ulrich Steignwult – Human Thug
Hal as the GMCharacter portraits by the talented BigJackBrass:
Chris as Durak Ironhead
David as Leopold Aeon Calcos
Goggles AKA John as Oskar Hearthember
Lindsay as Girl
Alternative:
Lindsay as Girl
James and Ned as The Steignwult Brothers
A lively debate on fast food:
James: “It was a fuckin’ dog in-“
Chris: “Hey, it all depends on the sauce.”
James: “In Chihuahua, Mexico, last week, and now you’re fuckin’ eatin’ it! And you’re thinkin’: ‘Yum!'”
Hal: “I used to live in Bradford, I’ve eaten more dog and rat than you could possibly know.”
Lindsay: “It’s the curry capital.”
Chris: “Yes, but then you met Lindsay – on we go!”Of course, the furry community might have a different opinion on whether rat girls and dog women are considered attractive. 😉
During a monologue on crime and punishment in the Old World:
Hal: “Rather than being killed, which is quite common, or having something chopped off, which is common, or being put in the stocks and having crap thrown at you…”
*Chris giggles*
Hal: “…Or spilling a load of sunflower seeds down your top.”
David: “I’ll get it! My mouth is like a vacuum, come here.”
James: “For those of you listening at home, Lindsay has lost food in her cleavage.”
Hal: “And not for the first time… David, sit down!”
James: “David, I told you, we’ll take you to a titty bar.”
Hal: “Gentlemen, I’m going in!”
David: “If he’s not back in an hour, I want to know what’s so interesting!”
Hal: “If I’m not back in an hour, chuck in a snorkel.”
Hal: “I’ve got a picture somewhere of Lindsay wearing a corset, with an entire set of cutlery down her cleavage – including the table mat!”
*Mass giggling*
James: “What else was going on?”
Hal: “Nuffin’, it was in the pub!”
Lindsay: “Didn’t one of them thank you for getting me a gift that everybody could enjoy?”
Hal: “The quarry is essentially ungetoutofable, ’cause they’re going do-“
James: “Ungetoutofable?! Is that the Queen’s English?”
Hal: “Yes, the Queen invented that word just yesterday. She sent me an email, saying: “Hal, we need it out on the internet” and I said: “Alright Liz, no worries.””
James: “Well, they gave Ted Kennedy a knighthood, so they’ll knight any old asshole.”
Hal: “Yup, bring it on, I’m waiting for it – services in podcasting, anyone?”Hal: “I’m just waiting for some bastard to log on as Liz-the-2nd.”
Chris’ regales the listeners with his Dwarf Tomb Robber’s background story – culminating in his arrest:
Hal: “Where did they find you?”
Chris: “Oddly enough… You see that little house, with the red lantern?”
Hal: “You popped in for directions?” 😉
Hal: “So you tried to lock your wife in a tomb…”
Chris: “I didn’t try, I succeeded!”
James and Ned’s characters show such deep fraternal love for one another, it’s positively heart-warming:
James: “If I hadn’t promised my dying mother on her death bed, I would’ve already killed Ulrich, you sunovabitch – but she made me swear not to kill ‘im… Doesn’t mean I can’t put a few lumps on his stupid skull.”
Ned: “Go ahead and try it.”
James: “Oh, whatever, mister thug man.”
Ned: “Mama’s boy!”
James: “Spend the rest of your life breaking rocks here in the tumbledowns, you worthless fuck!”
James: “We are not chained to one another, ’cause they realize one of us would soon be dead.”
Hal: “So you’re not chained together?”
James: “Well, after I put the pick through his foot on the first day…”
Hal: “You left your dwarven hold to… not break rocks for the rest of your life, and ended up, ironically, breaking rocks for the rest of your life.”
Chris: “Still trying to figure out what went wrong.”
Hal: “Yeah, it’s just destiny – fate, perhaps.”
Lindsay: “Instead of making a clean getaway, you stopped at a brothel.”
Hal: “Bet it was the donkey that gave you away.”
Chris: “The damn wife! Should’ve gone to a different brothel, she knows that one.”
Hal: “A bit of bread bonks off your head.”
James: “That the best you can do?”
David: “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
Ned: “You wanna see the best I can do?” *Slams limb on table*
Hal: “Ned, do I gotta shoot you?”
*Ned continues to flash the quarry*
Hal (as NPC Guard): “Son, put your cock away, you stink enough.”
Lindsay: “Ewww!”
David: “It’s like a worm!”
Ned: “The worm from Dune!“
When the PCs get sentenced to pick rocks in the quarry, one of them turns out to have an advantage:
Hal: “Are you saying you’ve got a huge nose, Goggles? Goggles pulls out an entire necromantic army from his nose.”
Goggles: “Nah, just put a metal tip on the end and I can pick with that.”
David: “He’s like a woodpecker!”
Linds: “Can I have a taste? What kind is it?”
Hal: “It is a pork-and-beef sausage, you think.”
Linds: “I’ll take twelve – what are you lot ordering?”
Visiting the Leaky Skiff tavern, a wretched hive of scum and piracy:
Hal: “Tastes like shit, it’s really cheap ale.”
Chris: “Do you know where I’ve been the last five fuckin’ months?”
Hal: “Yeah, it tastes brilliant – it’s the best ale you’ve ever drunk.”
David: “What is that thing floating in there? Oh, it’s a frickin’ hair! Eugh!”
Hal: “How did you live in the fuckin’ woods?!”
David: “Didn’t drink THAT crap!”
Chris: “he’s used to natural, clean water.”
Hal: “Yeah, suckled from the teat of deer, and shit.”
David: “Hell, yeah! Bambi was my cousin.”
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